I'm so tired...

I am so tired. I am tired of superficial posts, or unobtainable expectations, of toxic behaviors. I am tired of being quiet about things that no one talks about. I'm tired of feeling lonely in experiences that are common because people are too uncomfortable to talk about the nitty-gritty.

I struggle with depression. I have sometimes-crippling anxiety. I am incredibly self-conscious. I think my nose is a weird shape. I think I look chunky when I look in the mirror.

It's incredibly frustrating to know that most of my "problems" are illogical. I have a good life. I love my husband. I have an expansive family unit, and can turn to any one of the members if I need help. I doubt people notice the little things that I worry SO SO SO much about. Logically, I know I'm borderline underweight if anything... Not "chunky."

But nobody talks about the things they struggle with, so then I get so angry with myself for being so caught up in things.

When I had my miscarriage, I felt kind of weird talking about it. I was in my first trimester when it happened, I only knew I was pregnant briefly, and I hadn't told many people about it yet. I felt weird mourning that loss because I wasn't sure if my sadness was valid. Regardless of if it was valid or not, it was debilitating. I was devastated not to have that little lentil growing inside me anymore.

But I had felt a little spirit inside me. I had felt love for that little being in a way I had never felt before. It was incredible to feel so much love for something so small.

And then it was just... gone. I had incredible support for the first bit, but it naturally petered off. People moved on in life- As they should have. But I was stuck thinking about how far along I would have been at any given time.

I made a post in the middle of it all, and was astounded at the messages that I received. The overarching reaction from women was gratitude. Women were so grateful that I was vulnerable about my experience, because they had felt isolated when they went through the same thing.

I think one of the saddest realities of life is the way people back into their own little dark corners when things go sideways, and only come back out when they are healed enough to move on. In an ideal world, I believe that people could share their traumas in a way that others can relate and uplift! I felt so much better about my own situation when other people relayed their experience to me.

Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 women. It shouldn't feel like you are 1 in a million, or that you are damaged or broken if it is something you have to go through.

I am tired of living a superficial life, where only the highlights are displayed. Life is HARD. But I sure hope we can figure out a way to make it through together.

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