Hello, hello. It's been a minute, huh?
I've really, really enjoyed being a recluse human being the last several months. My head and heart have been through a lot in a short period of time, and it's been important for me to take time to let myself heal.
My favorite part of healing, however, is bonding. I find that it's a lot easier to move forward after hard things happen if you don't try to do it all on your lonesome. It's SO SO SO important to find camaraderie.
To catch you up, I had a miscarriage in November last year. I'll copy the Facebook post I made when that was fresh.
"On Oct. 30, I found out I was pregnant!! We were so excited, and immediately took another test just to be sure.
On Nov. 2, I had more bleeding than I assumed would be healthy for a pregnancy, so I went in to the clinic, where they confirmed the assumed not-so-good news; They suspected it was a miscarriage. But, they had me continue coming in to test levels and make sure I was healthy and my body was responding as it should. We were absolutely devastated. We weren't very far along, but it doesn't take long to feel big love for something so small.
On Nov. 9, we went in to see the doctor again for an update, and he was astounded that my beta hcg hormone was going in an upward trend still as though I were still pregnant! He was very optimistic that in 8 months he would be delivering our son or daughter.
On Nov. 11, (Today) I woke up with incredible cramps and more bleeding. They were able to squeeze me in immediately after I called. The ultrasound confirmed that it is a miscarriage.
It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling the highest of excitements, and the lowest of disappointments. Today, I'm grateful for answers to questions I've had since I was 15.
When I was 15, I was told by my gynecologist that I may not even be able to have children due to some health concerns. That was a very formative experience, and I can still remember that appointment very clearly.
When I started dating, I was scared that I wasn't dateable material if I couldn't be childbearing material.
One of my very first deep conversations with Nick was about my wacky periods and the possibilities of infertility. He didn't bat an eye and loved me despite my concerns.
I'm grateful that I know my body can get pregnant, even if this little embryo wasn't able to grow. I'm hopeful for the future now that I've had the opportunity to learn more about my body.
I'm grateful for Nick for being there for me in the clinics when I need a hand to hold or can't form questions because I was focused on not breaking down in a doctors office.
I'm grateful for the constant love shown by the few people we kept updated on the rollercoaster for that last week and a half. (Can it only be a week and a half?? It feels like so. much. longer.)
And above all, I send my love to the women who have struggled with pregnancy, infertility, miscarriage, endometriosis, PCOS, and the myriad of other reproductive struggles. I see you, I hear you, I mourn with you.
Nick and I are a good team, and we will power through this. Our poor cat is just going to have to deal with me being a little extra snuggly with him."
The people that reached out to me and reassured me during that very dark time were incredible. I felt so damn loved. Still, I needed to take a break from my constant presence on social media, and take constant inventory on my own well being.
In November, I talked to my doctor started taking Lexapro. From what I understand, this is generally a great medication to start off with when you begin taking medication for depression. For me, however, it was hell. I lost about 14 pounds in two weeks, and weighed as much as I did when I was a high school freshman.
I hated myself. I felt valueless and empty. Things that usually brought me joy just didn't. Playing guitar was overwhelming for me. Eating was a chore, so most days I didn't. Even my cat, whom I adore, was an unwelcome nuisance. I missed my spunky personality.
Fortunately, when everything else felt out of control, my husband and I grew to be the strongest we had ever been. I was able to be open and honest about what I was experiencing. On Christmas Day, I stopped taking Lexapro. We probably should have consulted my doctor before making that decision, but we couldn't imagine side effects from quitting being worse than the side effects I had from being on it.
Now, months later, I'm feeling a lot better! In January, I started taking Zoloft, and it has worked well for me thus far. We've started at a very low dosage, and are being careful as we bring that up.
I am finally in a place where music is beginning to light my life again. I've started writing again, and have even been back to the studio. (Stay tuned for new music coming your way oh so very soon.)
It's important to me to be open, honest, and candid. I'm still navigating through some shit, but I also have some bright, light, wonderful things on the horizon.